A heartfelt apology is the most powerful way to restore a relationship when there has been an injury or breach. If handled badly or offered in the wrong spirit, however, an apology is sure to cause more harm than good.
Sadly, even well-intended apologies can make things worse when the apologizer doesn’t understand the process. Learning how and making a commitment to apologizing well is critical for building happy, strong relationships that last.
It’s Not Easy
A good apology is hard to give because it can remind us of the ways we have been inconsiderate, unjust, or insincere. It can make us feel vulnerable, and trigger shame or guilt. It’s understandable to look for ways to apologize that minimize the pain they feel.
There are many ways people try to minimize the pain. Some try to obtain instant forgiveness: “I apologized, so let’s move on. Case closed.” Others avoid apologies altogether: “If I apologize, it will open to the door for you to humiliate or abuse me. It will damage the relationship even more. Better to leave it alone.”
At bottom, a true apology is simply this: openly taking responsibility for anything you said or did that caused your partner harm.
Apology Do’s and Don’ts
• Know what you are apologizing for. The other person is the best judge of the ways they were harmed by your actions. You should strive to understand their injuries as they see them, even if you don’t agree.
• Resist the temptation to justify your actions or talk about mistakes your partner made. Keep the focus of the apology on your partner’s experience. You can justify your actions or discuss your partner’s role another time.
• Ask your partner about things you could do to reduce their pain or repair the relationship. Let your partner set the agenda for what will help them heal. If, however, your partner tries to punish or shame you, or indulge in a rage attack, point out that getting revenge or trying to hurt you will do no good and in fact will further damage the relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
Apologies are emotionally risky, and it’s important to have realistic expectations. It sets you up for more pain if you are expecting
• A warm reception. Your partner’s reactions are beyond your control. He or she may be shut down and not be ready for real communication.
• Forgiveness. It may be too hard for your partner to forgive you. Forgiveness may never come, or it may take a long time.
• Restoration of the relationship. Even if your partner can forgive, he or she may never be able to look past the injury or rebuild trust.
Benefits of apologizing
In truth, an apology is mostly about restoring your relationship with yourself. By taking stock of your actions and facing the parts of you that were capable of causing harm, you can begin the process of learning from the experience and forgiving yourself.
But perhaps the biggest benefit of an apology is that it will lighten the load for both you and your partner. Remember that for every minute you spend being ashamed, beating yourself up, or avoiding the issue, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Happy Marriages Are Good for Kids!
It’s easy to assume that kids whose parents are happily married do better in life than other kids. But is that really true? And does it apply equally to kids from families with different racial, income, and educational characteristics?
According to a study of 64,000 kids and families, the answer is a resounding YES!
Children whose parents are completely, very, or fairly happily married to each other
• Behave better, with fewer instances of behavior problems
• Have better social relationships
• Are more engaged in school
• Communicate better with their parents, and
• Are less likely to be depressed.
Not surprisingly, parents of these kids find parenting less aggravating.
It’s important to note that the results also show family stability plays a big role in kids’ positive outcomes. Children in stepfamilies where the parent and stepparent are married are twice as likely to have behavior problems as children living with their own married parents. And children in stepfamilies where the parent and stepparent are cohabiting are three times as likely.
Research suggests that the negative findings are related to family instability. Stepfamilies, especially stepfamilies with cohabiting partners, are far more likely to break up than families headed by married biological or adoptive parents. And breakups are known have a huge impact on kids’ well-being.
The study was based on a sample of 64,076 children between the ages of six and 17 living with two parents. It included Hispanic, Black, White, immigrant, non-immigrant families, and families with parents of different incomes educational levels.
The full report can be found at http://goo.gl/FrEJL
According to a study of 64,000 kids and families, the answer is a resounding YES!
Children whose parents are completely, very, or fairly happily married to each other
• Behave better, with fewer instances of behavior problems
• Have better social relationships
• Are more engaged in school
• Communicate better with their parents, and
• Are less likely to be depressed.
Not surprisingly, parents of these kids find parenting less aggravating.
It’s important to note that the results also show family stability plays a big role in kids’ positive outcomes. Children in stepfamilies where the parent and stepparent are married are twice as likely to have behavior problems as children living with their own married parents. And children in stepfamilies where the parent and stepparent are cohabiting are three times as likely.
Research suggests that the negative findings are related to family instability. Stepfamilies, especially stepfamilies with cohabiting partners, are far more likely to break up than families headed by married biological or adoptive parents. And breakups are known have a huge impact on kids’ well-being.
The study was based on a sample of 64,076 children between the ages of six and 17 living with two parents. It included Hispanic, Black, White, immigrant, non-immigrant families, and families with parents of different incomes educational levels.
The full report can be found at http://goo.gl/FrEJL
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Privacy vs. Secrecy in Committed Relationships
In a committed relationship, a little privacy is a good thing. It fosters an element of mystery, which in turn fuels desire and attraction. Privacy
• Reduces boredom because you keep learning new things about your partner.
• Spares your partner from useless knowledge about your past that could be painful.
• Prevents you and your partner from feeling more like siblings than lovers.
Maintaining healthy privacy in your relationship can be as simple as routinely dressing and grooming in private, so that your partner associates seeing your body with erotic feelings. Or avoiding the “too much detail” syndrome when talking about things. Or keeping the details of past relationships, especially the sexual parts, to yourself.
Secrecy, on the other hand, is toxic to relationships. Secrecy is when you withhold information that could have a significant effect on your partner or the relationship. Secrets have a way of getting out despite efforts at cover-up. Secrecy
• Breeds an atmosphere of mistrust.
• Paves the way for explosive arguments and angry withdrawals.
• Often spells the end of the relationship.
Examples of toxic secrets include
• Spending a lot of money or making big financial decisions without consulting your partner.
• Hiding your use of alcohol or drugs.
• Misleading your partner about relationships with other people, such as coworkers, friends, and ex-lovers.
• Pretending everything is OK in the relationship when you have firmly decided to leave.
People keep secrets for all kinds of reasons. Secrets can help you get your own way, since your partner can’t argue about things he or she doesn’t know. They can be a way of getting distance from your partner, because they block emotional intimacy.
So think about the difference between privacy and secrecy when you are deciding what to say to your partner. A good way to tell them apart is to ask: “Would I want my partner to tell me about this if the shoe was on the other foot?” If your answer is yes, chances are your partner would feel the same way. In that case, I suggest you “fess up.” In the short run it may lead to emotional turmoil. But in the long run, your partner will give you credit for being honest and upfront.
• Reduces boredom because you keep learning new things about your partner.
• Spares your partner from useless knowledge about your past that could be painful.
• Prevents you and your partner from feeling more like siblings than lovers.
Maintaining healthy privacy in your relationship can be as simple as routinely dressing and grooming in private, so that your partner associates seeing your body with erotic feelings. Or avoiding the “too much detail” syndrome when talking about things. Or keeping the details of past relationships, especially the sexual parts, to yourself.
Secrecy, on the other hand, is toxic to relationships. Secrecy is when you withhold information that could have a significant effect on your partner or the relationship. Secrets have a way of getting out despite efforts at cover-up. Secrecy
• Breeds an atmosphere of mistrust.
• Paves the way for explosive arguments and angry withdrawals.
• Often spells the end of the relationship.
Examples of toxic secrets include
• Spending a lot of money or making big financial decisions without consulting your partner.
• Hiding your use of alcohol or drugs.
• Misleading your partner about relationships with other people, such as coworkers, friends, and ex-lovers.
• Pretending everything is OK in the relationship when you have firmly decided to leave.
People keep secrets for all kinds of reasons. Secrets can help you get your own way, since your partner can’t argue about things he or she doesn’t know. They can be a way of getting distance from your partner, because they block emotional intimacy.
So think about the difference between privacy and secrecy when you are deciding what to say to your partner. A good way to tell them apart is to ask: “Would I want my partner to tell me about this if the shoe was on the other foot?” If your answer is yes, chances are your partner would feel the same way. In that case, I suggest you “fess up.” In the short run it may lead to emotional turmoil. But in the long run, your partner will give you credit for being honest and upfront.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Don’t Run Away! Open Conflict Is Good for Couples
When it comes to conflict, there are two kinds of people: fighters and fleers. Fighters want to deal with the problem at hand, the sooner the better. They often begin by using constructive techniques, such as calmly discussing an issue. Fleers become so uncomfortable in the face of conflict that they distance themselves, sometimes in an effort to calm down.
In one of life’s more curious twists, fighters and fleers often get into committed relationships with each other. When fighters and fleers are in a relationship, conflict itself becomes a source of conflict. The fighter says “you never work with me on the issues!” The fleer says “you make a big deal out of everything!”
It turns out that this frustrating pattern is particularly destructive to relationships. Research from the University of Michigan has found that when one partner wants to handle conflict constructively and the other partner withdraws, their risk of breaking up is higher. When both partners use constructive conflict techniques, relationships are more stable and happy over time.
The good news is that everyone can learn to handle conflict constructively. When couples make a commitment to working on issues calmly and with respect for each other, relationship issues are easier to solve, resentment ebbs away, and positive feelings of closeness and affection come back.
So to all you fleers out there: Don’t run away! Conflict is good for your relationship!
Source
Predicting Divorce: Study Shows How Fight Styles Affect Marriage
ScienceDaily (Sep. 29, 2010)
http://bit.ly/a6lWoj
In one of life’s more curious twists, fighters and fleers often get into committed relationships with each other. When fighters and fleers are in a relationship, conflict itself becomes a source of conflict. The fighter says “you never work with me on the issues!” The fleer says “you make a big deal out of everything!”
It turns out that this frustrating pattern is particularly destructive to relationships. Research from the University of Michigan has found that when one partner wants to handle conflict constructively and the other partner withdraws, their risk of breaking up is higher. When both partners use constructive conflict techniques, relationships are more stable and happy over time.
The good news is that everyone can learn to handle conflict constructively. When couples make a commitment to working on issues calmly and with respect for each other, relationship issues are easier to solve, resentment ebbs away, and positive feelings of closeness and affection come back.
So to all you fleers out there: Don’t run away! Conflict is good for your relationship!
Source
Predicting Divorce: Study Shows How Fight Styles Affect Marriage
ScienceDaily (Sep. 29, 2010)
http://bit.ly/a6lWoj
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Can Stress Be Good for Your Marriage?
Stressed out people are usually tired, cranky, and busy. Stressful situations take precious time away from building our relationship and handling issues as they arise. Stress also reduces our sex drive. How can that be good for a marriage?
As with many things, it all depends on how you respond. Does stress push you apart or pull you together?
Pushing Apart
One couple has three kids, one who has special needs. Taking care of the kids, doing housework, and keeping up with job responsibilities already give each partner more than enough to do. A special needs child, with the extra demands on time and energy, leads these partners to feel chronically overwhelmed. How do they respond? In this case, stress pushes them apart. They blame each other for not doing their fair share. Tasks remain undone because each waits for the other to do them. The relationship is threatened.
Pulling Together
Another couple is facing the stress of unemployment. No matter how hard he tries, the educated, experienced husband cannot find a job. With each passing month, he feels more like a failure. The couple has to make tough choices about how to spend the money they have. The husband is discouraged and feels like a failure in his role as breadwinner. Yet both the husband and wife agree that this experience has pulled them together. They turn to each other for emotional support and look for win-win solutions to financial decisions. When they feel overwhelmed and discouraged, they turn to each other for emotional support. When they make financial decisions, they strive to honor each other’s wishes.
Stress is here to stay. Whether it pushes you and your partner apart or pulls you together is up to you.
As with many things, it all depends on how you respond. Does stress push you apart or pull you together?
Pushing Apart
One couple has three kids, one who has special needs. Taking care of the kids, doing housework, and keeping up with job responsibilities already give each partner more than enough to do. A special needs child, with the extra demands on time and energy, leads these partners to feel chronically overwhelmed. How do they respond? In this case, stress pushes them apart. They blame each other for not doing their fair share. Tasks remain undone because each waits for the other to do them. The relationship is threatened.
Pulling Together
Another couple is facing the stress of unemployment. No matter how hard he tries, the educated, experienced husband cannot find a job. With each passing month, he feels more like a failure. The couple has to make tough choices about how to spend the money they have. The husband is discouraged and feels like a failure in his role as breadwinner. Yet both the husband and wife agree that this experience has pulled them together. They turn to each other for emotional support and look for win-win solutions to financial decisions. When they feel overwhelmed and discouraged, they turn to each other for emotional support. When they make financial decisions, they strive to honor each other’s wishes.
Stress is here to stay. Whether it pushes you and your partner apart or pulls you together is up to you.
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