When it comes to conflict, there are two kinds of people: fighters and fleers. Fighters want to deal with the problem at hand, the sooner the better. They often begin by using constructive techniques, such as calmly discussing an issue. Fleers become so uncomfortable in the face of conflict that they distance themselves, sometimes in an effort to calm down.
In one of life’s more curious twists, fighters and fleers often get into committed relationships with each other. When fighters and fleers are in a relationship, conflict itself becomes a source of conflict. The fighter says “you never work with me on the issues!” The fleer says “you make a big deal out of everything!”
It turns out that this frustrating pattern is particularly destructive to relationships. Research from the University of Michigan has found that when one partner wants to handle conflict constructively and the other partner withdraws, their risk of breaking up is higher. When both partners use constructive conflict techniques, relationships are more stable and happy over time.
The good news is that everyone can learn to handle conflict constructively. When couples make a commitment to working on issues calmly and with respect for each other, relationship issues are easier to solve, resentment ebbs away, and positive feelings of closeness and affection come back.
So to all you fleers out there: Don’t run away! Conflict is good for your relationship!
Source
Predicting Divorce: Study Shows How Fight Styles Affect Marriage
ScienceDaily (Sep. 29, 2010)
http://bit.ly/a6lWoj
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Can Stress Be Good for Your Marriage?
Stressed out people are usually tired, cranky, and busy. Stressful situations take precious time away from building our relationship and handling issues as they arise. Stress also reduces our sex drive. How can that be good for a marriage?
As with many things, it all depends on how you respond. Does stress push you apart or pull you together?
Pushing Apart
One couple has three kids, one who has special needs. Taking care of the kids, doing housework, and keeping up with job responsibilities already give each partner more than enough to do. A special needs child, with the extra demands on time and energy, leads these partners to feel chronically overwhelmed. How do they respond? In this case, stress pushes them apart. They blame each other for not doing their fair share. Tasks remain undone because each waits for the other to do them. The relationship is threatened.
Pulling Together
Another couple is facing the stress of unemployment. No matter how hard he tries, the educated, experienced husband cannot find a job. With each passing month, he feels more like a failure. The couple has to make tough choices about how to spend the money they have. The husband is discouraged and feels like a failure in his role as breadwinner. Yet both the husband and wife agree that this experience has pulled them together. They turn to each other for emotional support and look for win-win solutions to financial decisions. When they feel overwhelmed and discouraged, they turn to each other for emotional support. When they make financial decisions, they strive to honor each other’s wishes.
Stress is here to stay. Whether it pushes you and your partner apart or pulls you together is up to you.
As with many things, it all depends on how you respond. Does stress push you apart or pull you together?
Pushing Apart
One couple has three kids, one who has special needs. Taking care of the kids, doing housework, and keeping up with job responsibilities already give each partner more than enough to do. A special needs child, with the extra demands on time and energy, leads these partners to feel chronically overwhelmed. How do they respond? In this case, stress pushes them apart. They blame each other for not doing their fair share. Tasks remain undone because each waits for the other to do them. The relationship is threatened.
Pulling Together
Another couple is facing the stress of unemployment. No matter how hard he tries, the educated, experienced husband cannot find a job. With each passing month, he feels more like a failure. The couple has to make tough choices about how to spend the money they have. The husband is discouraged and feels like a failure in his role as breadwinner. Yet both the husband and wife agree that this experience has pulled them together. They turn to each other for emotional support and look for win-win solutions to financial decisions. When they feel overwhelmed and discouraged, they turn to each other for emotional support. When they make financial decisions, they strive to honor each other’s wishes.
Stress is here to stay. Whether it pushes you and your partner apart or pulls you together is up to you.
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