When it comes to conflict, there are two kinds of people: fighters and fleers. Fighters want to deal with the problem at hand, the sooner the better. They often begin by using constructive techniques, such as calmly discussing an issue. Fleers become so uncomfortable in the face of conflict that they distance themselves, sometimes in an effort to calm down.
In one of life’s more curious twists, fighters and fleers often get into committed relationships with each other. When fighters and fleers are in a relationship, conflict itself becomes a source of conflict. The fighter says “you never work with me on the issues!” The fleer says “you make a big deal out of everything!”
It turns out that this frustrating pattern is particularly destructive to relationships. Research from the University of Michigan has found that when one partner wants to handle conflict constructively and the other partner withdraws, their risk of breaking up is higher. When both partners use constructive conflict techniques, relationships are more stable and happy over time.
The good news is that everyone can learn to handle conflict constructively. When couples make a commitment to working on issues calmly and with respect for each other, relationship issues are easier to solve, resentment ebbs away, and positive feelings of closeness and affection come back.
So to all you fleers out there: Don’t run away! Conflict is good for your relationship!
Source
Predicting Divorce: Study Shows How Fight Styles Affect Marriage
ScienceDaily (Sep. 29, 2010)
http://bit.ly/a6lWoj
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